The most important thing: Make her feel safe

The most important thing: Make her feel safe

There are a lot of important factors to consider when choosing someone to date or marry. Many people have lists that are long and extensive. But there seems to be a few “top qualities” that pretty consistently make the “essentials” list. A few weeks ago I found a video giving guys some hints as to what girls are looking for. It has some great thoughts (though be warned, he’s very “energetic”), you can watch it HERE if you want. He does a pretty good job at ranking his top ten, but I would make one minor change, swap number 2 and number 1.

His number one is “Be her best friend”, and while I think friendship in relationships IS super important, I still think his runner up even supersedes that. So here it is, what I would say is THE most imporant thing that most women are looking for, “Make her feel safe.”

I don’t get how guys think, but given my observation I don’t think safety is often on their radar. But for girls (generally speaking) feeling and being safe is really important and sadly it isn’t something we experience very often. Now I’m not talking about just physical safety (though obviously that’s important too), but this desire to be protected covers feeling physically, emotionally, and spiritually safe. If you can make a woman feel safe she’ll overlook a lot of other faults.

So let’s break this down a little:

Why we need to be protected. Simple answer: It’s how we’re wired. Deeper answer: All you feminists out there might not like this fact, but a fact it remains, women are weaker than men. Now this doesn’t mean that we are less than men, wimpy, or useless, we’re just different. Women’s bodies, emotions, and spirits are strong but their strength is for different purposes than that of men. This isn’t a put down, it’s a compliment – literally. No one gender can be independent of the other, we were made to complete one another, to be strong in areas the other is weak. We need men, they need us.

I’ve heard this comparison before and really like it. The difference between women and men is like the difference between a tea cup and a coffee mug. Tea cups are more expensive, more decorative, and more fragile than a coffee cup… they are not better or worse, they are different. You handle a tea cup differently than a coffee mug, they serve different purposes, they have different strengths. Because of their great value, tea cups need to be handled carefully.

So we’ve established, women need to feel safe in relationships, but what does that look like? Let’s break that down too.

What it looks like to feel physically protected: Feeling protected physically doesn’t have a whole lot to do with how physically strong a guy is, it has everything to do with how he uses his strength. It’s more than being able to fend off a mugger in the city, physically protecting your girl means that you don’t put her in compromising positions. It involves her knowing that you will never ask her to do something that puts her safety at risk. If you’re out with her after dark, walk her to her car. If you’re driving her home, don’t leave until she’s inside her house. Let her go ahead of you, she needs to know you’ve got her back. In addition to these things, don’t force her to set the boundaries for your physical relationship, do that with her and stick to it. Before God, she is responsible for how she acts and what she allows, but before God you are responsible for how you act towards her. Don’t ask her to compromise her integrity. If she’s constantly having to tell you to cool things down, that means that she has to always be on her guard and she won’t feel safe with you.

What it looks like to feel emotionally protected: Most people are incredibly insecure. The very best thing you can do for someone is give them a place they can safely be themselves and make mistakes. For girls (and guys too) being able to share your emotions, opinions, and feelings is really important, unfortunately there are very few places this can happen without negative repercussions. Give a girl a place where she is free to express who she really is, and you have a girl who feels safe. On top of that, protective guys are watching out for their girl’s integrity and reputation. The Bible warns us to avoid even the appearance of evil. Part of emotionally protecting your girl is not putting her in a position where other people question her morals. Lastly, emotionally protecting a girl means not toying with her. She isn’t a play thing for your entertainment, she’s a person with feelings. Don’t flirt with her emotions and send mixed signals, don’t make promises with your words or actions that you have no intention of keeping. This girl may not be your future wife, but she’s probably someone’s. Would you want someone else doing that to your wife?

What it looks like to feel spiritually safe: Submission is a dirty word in some circles, but really when you feel protected by the person you are submitting to, submission is a joy. I believe that the biggest reason women have a hard time submitting is because they don’t feel safe. But when a husband acts like Christ, rarely is submission a problem for his wife. God makes it very clear that it is the man’s role to spiritually lead his wife and family. If it’s going to happen when you’re married, in some ways it needs to start long before then. This begins by knowing what you believe and why. Beyond that it means that you (as a guy) are in submission to Christ, your authority. You’ve gotta be plugged in and seeking God every day if you want to be a good leader to your (future) wife. If you are firmly fixed on the Rock, your girl will be too.

<><
MAC

6 comments

  1. So what you are saying is that when my favorite person told me that I'm the only person she trusts enough to be drunk with - that was a good thing? Excellent!

    Some of my most cherished memories of camp life were our conversations on the front porch. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but I thought I'd introduce something to ponder that is reminiscent of those days. Now, I know that since I've deconverted from Christianity, you might be tempted to discount the following interpretation. However, this interpretation was developed when I was still soundly a part of the Christian fold. So here goes!

    I see submission more as a mutual thing - after all, husbands are commanded to love their wives "as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it". I think we both agree that a husband shouldn't offer himself up to be crucified for his wifey. Rather this identifies that a husband should be willing to sacrifice for his wife's best interests. I think Mr. VanDuzer put it well when he said "Love is wanting the best for someone else, even if it doesn't include the lover in the picture." I like to describe love as being willing to sacrifice everything for the recipient of that love. I think it is possible to love something or some activity and be willing to sacrifice for it. Love, although it is connoted positively is not always employed in a positive way. But I am beginning to wander from my original intent in responding to this post. :-)

    Clearly, we men don't have the omniscience that Christ does, so we can't know what is best for our Significant Other. Thus, we have to rely on verbal requests. (and the non-verbal cues that we can decipher ;-)) By effectively acting on her wishes, we are submitting to her wishes. When we make decisions that affect more than the two individuals, her feelings and wishes must also be considered. It seems that although the wife is told to "submit" and the husband is told to "love as Christ" that these two commands are similar in practice.

    I hope all is well with you!

    JEd

    1. Haha, yes! I would say that the compliment you received was high praise indeed!

      I absolutely agree with the points you brought up! Respect, love, and submission should all be mutual and go hand in hand. A husband who is truly loving his wife will make decisions and perform actions with her best interest in mind. When she feels confident that his love is the motivation behind what he says and does, she will (most likely) respond in a positive way.

      Thank for the thoughtful comment! I always enjoyed our camp conversations as well!

  2. Haha, yes! I would say that the compliment you received was high praise indeed!

    I absolutely agree with the points you brought up! Respect, love, and submission should all be mutual and go hand in hand. A husband who is truly loving his wife will make decisions and perform actions with her best interest in mind. When she feels confident that his love is the motivation behind what he says and does, she will (most likely) respond in a positive way.

    Thank for the thoughtful comment! I always enjoyed our camp conversations as well!

  3. Good article! This is a message that needs to be put out there more to men, Because while they are trying to be sexy, hunky Good providers, there are other more deep things we women need that are much more important. Men seem to want respect, but respect is earned through the behaviors we see in them, and their choices and actions even when they think we aren't looking. Be at God or karma, A man's actions always end up coming back to him and his relationship. So, if a man wants to be respected, then give us women something to respect. Give us integrity and make us feel safe and secure which is our primary need is weaker vessels. Physical strength and ability is cool but The easy part is putting a roof over our head and food on the table. We will join you in that endeavor! But the greatest of these is for us to feel emotionally and spiritually safe and secure with you. That means being an honorable man of God, not just in word but in deed. Again, give us something to respect. Display your self control by having control over your own emotions and actions. And of these three I believe the greatest is emotional. Anyone can say I love you, but love is a verb. Protect my emotions by letting me communicate with you, even my fears and insecurities and dreams and hopes and idle chatter, without criticism, Hurrying and harsh judgment. Don't mock or deny my feelings. It's my brain not yours. I have a right to my feelings, just like you do. Protect my emotions by not acting vindictively hatefully or cruelly or in different when I express a fear or concern. Protect my emotions by not making me needlessly worry by acting like a playboy with your friends, or flirting with The cute waitress, or secretly communicating with ex-lovers and female friends you know I wouldn't approve of. Treat my feelings the way you would want me to treat yours. With respect, sensitivity, love, and Grace. These must be consistent for a woman to fully feel safe and secure, the's trust, a man and submit to him. He must present himself worthy to be submitted to. Most men aren't willing to put in the leg work and just want the fruits of it without the labor. However, the rear men who do this Will be rewarded richly by a loving and devoted woman Who will be a great blessing to his life.

  4. Good article! This is a message that needs to be put out there more to men, Because while they are trying to be sexy, hunky Good providers, there are other more deep things we women need that are much more important. Men seem to want respect, but respect is earned through the behaviors we see in them, and their choices and actions even when they think we aren't looking. Be at God or karma, A man's actions always end up coming back to him and his relationship. So, if a man wants to be respected, then give us women something to respect. Give us integrity and make us feel safe and secure which is our primary need is weaker vessels. Physical strength and ability is cool but The easy part is putting a roof over our head and food on the table. We will join you in that endeavor! But the greatest of these is for us to feel emotionally and spiritually safe and secure with you. That means being an honorable man of God, not just in word but in deed. Again, give us something to respect. Display your self control by having control over your own emotions and actions. And of these three I believe the greatest is emotional. Anyone can say I love you, but love is a verb. Protect my emotions by letting me communicate with you, even my fears and insecurities and dreams and hopes and idle chatter, without criticism, Hurrying and harsh judgment. Don't mock or deny my feelings. It's my brain not yours. I have a right to my feelings, just like you do. Protect my emotions by not acting vindictively hatefully or cruelly or in different when I express a fear or concern. Protect my emotions by not making me needlessly worry by acting like a playboy with your friends, or flirting with The cute waitress, or secretly communicating with ex-lovers and female friends you know I wouldn't approve of. Treat my feelings the way you would want me to treat yours. With respect, sensitivity, love, and Grace. These must be consistent for a woman to fully feel safe and secure, the's trust, a man and submit to him. He must present himself worthy to be submitted to. Most men aren't willing to put in the leg work and just want the fruits of it without the labor. However, the rear men who do this Will be rewarded richly by a loving and devoted woman Who will be a great blessing to his life.

  5. […] aggression, which is not a trait of a man of God. There are many ways to make a woman feel safe. The first thing to think about is how to make her feel physically safe. This is the category that […]