Soon and very soon…

Soon and very soon…

Last night was a roller coaster of, not necessarily emotions, but more so of testing; let’s just say I didn’t pass. Time after time throughout the afternoon and evening I had perfectly set up opportunities to do the right thing, and time and time again I chose to do the opposite. It’s a very humbling place to be. Around 8pm I felt like I had to mix things up a bit, so I sat down to play the piano for a few moments.

I glanced over at my stack of “praise and worship” songs and felt a little too sinful to play those. Glanced at a hymnbook and quickly glanced away. Do you ever feel like that?

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Like given whatever action, thought, or reaction you just had you are incapable of spiritual activities? It’s like I’m shunning the thought that my actions or behaviors have no affect on my spirit. I hate the hypocrisy of thinking that I can turn around and act like nothing happened. So, I sang another song, totally unrelated to God in any way.

After a few minutes I was really sad. I like singing to God, I missed singing to God. So I tried to think of a song that wouldn’t be too convicting and an old favorite came to mind. It’s one of those songs that I love, mostly because of the wonderful associations I have with it. I never knew either of my grandfathers, but God gave me several older men who stepped into that role over the years and the song that came to mind was “Grandpa Cohn’s” favorite song.

However, if my goal was avoiding conviction, this was the wrong song. The very first line stabbed me right in the conscience. “Praise the Savior, Ye who know Him.” Ouch. I trudged on through the song until I came to the last verse and it gave me so much hope I can’t express it. It’s actually the verse of the song that a lot of people make fun of due to the kind of confusing play on words, but in general, and last night specifically they were just what I needed to hear.

“Then we shall be what we should be, then we shall be where we would be, things that are not now nor could be, soon shall be our own.”

Ahh, there is hope. Not that my actions were justified or right, not that I shouldn’t strive to do better, surrender more, fight less, but that sometime soon the struggle of it will be taken away. The nature that makes me so prone to sin will be gone forever.

I sang that verse over and over for a while, changing all the “we”‘s to “I”s, making it so incredibly comforting and personal. There is a time in the future that I will be what I should be, I will be where I would be, things that are not now nor could be soon shall be my own. It’s so nice.

Those thoughts led to the true repentant heart I was waiting for and at least for a little while I felt the wonderful peace that repentance brings. It’s still a struggle that I wish I didn’t have, but even in my failure there is hope.