I’m excited. I feel like one of those hippie flower-child girls with a basket of daisy petals, skipping around a field and tossing them at people… except my basket is full of CDs, and I can’t toss them at people because they have sharp edges and it’s an insurance liability.
I feel like Oprah on giveaway day, “YOU get a CD! And YOU get a CD! And YOU get a CD! EVERYONE gets a CD!” Only I’m not giving them away. ($5 baby, these things cost cash money to make!)
I’m excited. Can you tell?
(You’ll have to excuse me while I freak out just a bit over here. If you’re not comfortable with the expression of feelings, this probably isn’t the post for you. Feel free to check out one of my many other, very logical posts elsewhere on the site.)
Here’s the thing. This project has been a long time coming. It’s one of those ideas that seemed totally illogical at its conception, so it was basically abandoned. Then years later it grew to the point of seeming like a possible yet unrealistic goal. Then, even more years later, out of the blue, just the right people came along and all of the pieces fell into place and, BAM, I’m hauling 1,000 copies off of my front porch. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!
A few weeks ago I was reading through some old posts and personal journal entries and realized that at the end of last year and beginning of this year I made some bold, somewhat audacious statements. Last November I stood in a friend’s backyard and said, “Next year is going to be totally different. Mostly because it’s impossible for it to remain the same.”
Then a few months later I wrote a post stating that my plan for the beginning of the year was to focus on my first overseas ministry trip, then spend the rest of the year working on releasing an album of some sort. Only, I had no idea what it was going to be like, or how I was going to do it, or pay for it, or market it… I just said it and kept going.
Right around that same time I had lunch with a mentor of mine and discussed the changes that were happening in my traveling music rotation. I said, “I think I’ll probably continue what I’m doing for the next six months, but by June I plan on shifting to a schedule with more consistency and the ability to have a real church home.” I said it, and it sounded good, but I had absolutely no idea where I was supposed to go or where I’d end up.
Ironically, it was the invitation to go to Romania that connected me more deeply with the Church that I ended up officially calling home in June, which brought the right connections without which this CD would have never been possible. And now, in December of 2016, looking back I can honestly say that there is almost no area of my life left the same as it was in 2015. It’s totally different.
And thank GOD! ‘Cause it was touch and go there for a while. For almost a decade it seemed like NOTHING was happening. NOTHING! Every door I tried was locked. Every window barred. There wasn’t even a doggy door. Everything I tried failed. All opportunities came to nothing, and I taught myself to never get excited about anything because nothing ever actually happened. The Bible wisely states that “hope deferred makes the heart sick” and mine was hurting, without a doubt.
Over the months of production on this album I’ve often been asked if I’m excited, and I haven’t really felt able to be honest. I know that I should have been excited. I know I should have been enjoying every minute of studio time, mixing and learning this amazing process. But while it certainly had some fun moments, I have not been excited. It’s felt like a lot of money, and work and uncertainty along with the confrontation of every last insecurity I’ve ever owned. After almost every new step I kept asking, “Is it too late to back out?” and thankfully, it was.
When I hit “send” on the order for the CDs last week, I felt this strange sense of terror and accomplishment. I knew I just spent a lot of money ordering something that very well may never be sold, but I could honestly say I didn’t have one ounce of buyer’s remorse. After all of the struggle over the last few months, I felt a sense of absolute peace. I may never sell more than a few copies to my friends and family. I may not make back my investment. I may be handing out cd’s to my grandkid’s friends when I’m 80, just to get rid of them (even though CD players will have been obsolete for 40 years at that point.) But you know, I’m actually ok with that!
I don’t know how many I’ll sell, but I don’t really care! I’m just amazed that I, of all people, have a cd to sell! If nothing else, I did something really cool for once! And I’m glad, excited even, to see what comes next. Because for once, it’s actually happening, and it’s only the beginning!
Ps. Stay tuned for the CD release, happening on 12/15/16.