All the days of my life

All the days of my life

*NOTE: While this post is about women in general and the Proverbs 31 woman specifically, it may seem irrelevant to my gentleman readers, however I think that the concepts certainly go both ways. It may just be worth the read! – M.A.C.

I plan on very soon telling you all about why I have a major problem with the “Proverbs 31 woman”, however, right now I would like to talk about a concept that I actually like in Proverbs 31…

Proverbs 31:12 “She does him good and not evil all the days of her life.”

Most women know that once we get married, part of our job as a helpmeet is to do good to our husbands. Now, what that “good” includes varies greatly in the opinions of women, but the point is that the concept is there. The interesting thing about this verse is that it says “all the days of her life”. I’m not a Hebrew scholar but it seems to me that the word “all” indeed includes ALL of our days.

You may be scratching your head right now and saying…ok, so? (I have that effect, its ok.)

My point is that if this verse is literally talking about ALL the days of my life, that would naturally include the days before being married. If this is the case, what does it look like to do my future husband good before we are married. How about doing him good before we have met? What’s with that?

I think this thought is directly related to another belief that I hold, which is the thought of being meant for a particular person. I talk about that a little in another post which you can check out HERE. But basically the thought is that we serve an all knowing God who created us with a purpose. He knows each choice we will make and plans accordingly. So, if He knows the plans He has for us, don’t you think He knows who we are going to be doing them with?

The problem is that while He may know, we don’t. The searching process can be frustrating (to put it lightly), and lead to a lot of issues. So, how do we “do good” to the man who will be our husband if we don’t know who he is? I find it interesting to observe married people and how they relate to the opposite sex whom they are not married to. Couples who have good marriages often have set boundaries such as limits on spending time or being alone with others they aren’t married to. A major sign a marriage is having problems is the entrance of opposite sex “friends” into the equation. Even if nothing physically happens the emotional intimacy can be just as damaging to the relationship.

That thought leads me to the question, if emotional affairs are so damaging after you are married, wouldn’t it be logical to say that emotional intimacy with the opposite sex before marriage can have a similar effect on your future relationship?

I think that anyone honestly looking at this question would have to agree that the answer is yes! Its called baggage and it seems that it is hard to make a relational stop without picking some up. So how do we relate to others in a God pleasing and “doing good to future husband” way without being standoffish or cold. I think the answer lies in being very honest with yourself as to your feelings. While not impossible, I believe that it is very difficult to have a purely platonic relationship with the opposite sex. Inevitably, there is some sense of meeting or supplying a need either in yourself or the other person. Its how we are wired and it can be an awesome thing if handled very carefully. Flirting is a major issue that can cause a lot of heartache, check out my thoughts on it HERE.

So, here are some questions I have found to be very telling about my motives in relationships.

1) Is this situation or relationship one that I would want my future husband to be in with some other woman? If no, there’s a problem.

2) Is this situation or relationship one that I could be in once married without making any changes? If no, there’s a problem.

3) Is this interaction meeting a need in me at the expense of the feelings or needs of the other person? If yes, there’s a problem.

4) Am I offering a benefit to this situation or relationship that will better equip us for our future spouses? If no, there’s a problem.

There are a few more, but often I don’t get far past these 4 with the right answers, so it’s unnecessary to continue. However, I don’t get discouraged by this, rather I want to use this time to learn how to correctly interact with my brothers in Christ so that if I do get married we will be able to continue our relationship in a way that honors God and my husband.

So what do you think? Is this asking too much? Do you have any ideas on ways to do this?

<><

M.A.C.

0 comments

  1. I agree. The less baggage, the better! I have an idea on how to achieve this. Textreminders.net. Set up a reminder like, "stop flirting" and "hands to yourself" when you know you'll be in the middle of the date(kidding).

    I think good old fashion self-control is the answer. Not saying it's easy!

    1. Haha, that is awesome! Better yet, send the text reminders to your date!

  2. Abbie!!!

    I like it. I also like popping bubble wrap, so here I go.

    1) There's no situation in which you wouldn't be comfortable but wouldn't also be good for your future husband?

    2) Seems solid

    3) It's hard to judge the motivations, needs, and feelings of other people. I've made mistakes before in both the "I don't think I'm getting enough out of this" and the "I'm not sure you're getting out of this..." areas.

    4) That's a really hard thing to figure out. Who's to say what will and won't better equip anyone to deal with any relationship they'll have in the future.

    I go around assuming that everything I experience makes me a more whole person, good and bad, and those experiences are what will help me deal with the entirety of my future. Learning from mistakes as opposed to being afraid of making any.

    I like your writing style. Also, I've decided that even though there's only about a 3% chance of you figuring out who I am, I'm not going to help.

    1. Unknown Person!!!

      Thanks! As to #1... I'm not sure. I think it is hard to say if a situation is really good or bad in the long run for people (kind of like your thought on #4). I guess I can't think of a good example of something I would be uncomfortable with (relationship speaking) that I think would be good for my husband, but I'll have to think about it more. The saying, "Whats good for the goose is good for the gander" comes to mind :)

      For #3, your right. My thoughts were more making sure my personal motives are right and not potentially damaging to the other person. While this will rarely be 100% its a good goal.

      For #4, I guess its the same thought as number 1. I would like to be consciously attempting to better other people (and myself) with our interactions. Not saying I achieve this, but I like the concept!

      I like your thinking and commenting style :) Although I am disappointed I don't even get a hint. I have a initial guess, but will need some more comments to come to a more informed guess.

  3. Unknown Person!!!

    Thanks! As to #1... I'm not sure. I think it is hard to say if a situation is really good or bad in the long run for people (kind of like your thought on #4). I guess I can't think of a good example of something I would be uncomfortable with (relationship speaking) that I think would be good for my husband, but I'll have to think about it more. The saying, "Whats good for the goose is good for the gander" comes to mind :)

    For #3, your right. My thoughts were more making sure my personal motives are right and not potentially damaging to the other person. While this will rarely be 100% its a good goal.

    For #4, I guess its the same thought as number 1. I would like to be consciously attempting to better other people (and myself) with our interactions. Not saying I achieve this, but I like the concept!

    I like your thinking and commenting style :) Although I am disappointed I don't even get a hint. I have a initial guess, but will need some more comments to come to a more informed guess.

  4. An example. I have been in a couple of DISASTROUS relationships. I made awful mistakes. So awful I occasionally flinch thinking about them. But I learned from those mistakes. So when I find that lovely lady that fits me, I'm less likely to scare her away with the full force and energy of a paranoid and sometimes too directed personality. And I'll be better able to maintain a level of openness and trust I wouldn't have been capable of pre-disasters.

    My fear is the creation of a relationship in a bubble. Born under controlled circumstances with little stress on the actors, that when brought out into the air and sun, dies a quick and withering death.

    1. Good point. I guess it comes down to God knowing us and our needs. Sometimes we have the opportunity to learn from mistakes and be better for it.

      Your fear is legit (how's that for encouragement). I think there is real danger in changing who you are for a relationship. Eventually true colors will show and feelings of betrayal, deception or worse will follow. I have a strong personality and know that a lot of guys either can't handle it or don't want to put the effort into trying. That's fine with me, it simply means less losers to turn down! While it may take a little longer, waiting for the person who will love you for being you is SOOO worth it!

  5. An example. I have been in a couple of DISASTROUS relationships. I made awful mistakes. So awful I occasionally flinch thinking about them. But I learned from those mistakes. So when I find that lovely lady that fits me, I'm less likely to scare her away with the full force and energy of a paranoid and sometimes too directed personality. And I'll be better able to maintain a level of openness and trust I wouldn't have been capable of pre-disasters.

    My fear is the creation of a relationship in a bubble. Born under controlled circumstances with little stress on the actors, that when brought out into the air and sun, dies a quick and withering death.